Disclaimer: This post is mostly just me whining, so if you don't feel like listening to my pity party, then feel free to skip this one!
CSS SUCKS! I am so angry tonight with this whole disease and everything that comes with it. I am tired of being tired; I am frustrated with the limitations it puts on me; I am overwhelmed looking at a lifetime of this. Most days I can keep my perspective in check and I deal alright with everything, but today it just got to be too much. I am not sick enough to stop life, but I don't feel good enough to go on with life as usual. I drag through the day, and I don't want to be that way. I want to enjoy playing with Kadin, I don't want to lay on the floor and watch him play. I want to have the energy to spend time with Jeremy at the end of the day instead of collapsing in bed.
I feel nasty, but I feel like I don't have anywhere to go to fix it. The last few times I have been to the doctor and I tell them about some new thing that is going on and they just look at me like "I have no idea what to do for you". Even my doctors have no idea what this disease entails. I am trying to educate myself, but I wish I had more guidance and more confidence that someone knew what was going on.
Anyway, I probably shouldn't post when I am so emotional, but I just needed to get this out and scream out into the void that this sucks and I am tired of dealing with it. I'm sure I will be dealing better tomorrow and have things back in better perspective. If you did brave past the disclaimer, thanks for listening to my ranting.
2 comments:
I dont know if this will read the same way as I am trying to express, but here goes: I dont think Heavenly Father could have given this diesease to anyone stronger. That meaning, that I know its gotta be tough, but I also know the type of person you are, and how strong you are. You deserve to rant and rave about things that are bothering you with the diesease, its not easy to live with. I may not be sick, but I can tell you one thing: Kadin and Jeremy dont feel neglected. If anything they know how much effort you give to them in your day to show your love even through the hard times. Its definately a faith builder, to have to go through a sickness. But, I have faith that you can and will. I think you are fantastic. I want you to know that, and that I love you! MUAH!
Ditto to Cari. I am proud of you for researching your disease. Don't stop that. The one thing we have learned through Jason's disease is that you can battle it better if you are educated and never give up.
Another thought: I have told Jason many times that if I ever die of Cancer, I do NOT want it to be said that I lost my battle with cancer. My reasoning is that my loss of life does not mean I lost my battle. I would loose the battle if I gave up trying, if I let it beat me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I think the same thing applies here... Don't loose your battle with CSS.
With that said, that doesn't mean that you don't complain, that doesn't mean that you don't get frustrated. It means that you don't give up. Don't give up your research. Don't give up getting up in the morning, even if you know it's going to be a hard one. Don't give up trusting that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan for you. Don't give up. Don't give up living and loving life.
I love you, sis. I look up to your strength. I wish I could take this from you.
:)
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